Ending My Life
by yaoiFantasy
Summary: complete: rage ~ yaoi ~ Zell's POV ~ "All I wanted was you. And everything that you could offer me. Everything within you, all your emotions and desires. All your dreams and fears. I wanted to know what you were thinking. I wanted everything about you."


+ Ending With My Life + 

**+ By Julie, June 2002**

**+ POV: Zell Dincht - the ever complex sexy blonde god! He does have depth...  
+ Another of my _beautiful_ rages... lol... *shakes head* ...  
+ Angst  
+ Rating: R... for sexual images/content as well as suicidal thoughts.  
+ YAOI warning. M/M love... Shounen Ai... Guys in love with guys  
+ Disclaimer: Zell Dincht and Squall Leonhart will at least be mine one day. If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I _will_ own those two men. As for now, I don't own FF8 world or characters or anything... **

~~~ + ~~~

You never realize how empty you feel, until you see joy. And you never realize how void your life is, until you desire. And you never notice how much you want something, until its gone.

I guess I never had the chance. I guess I shouldn't have bothered with attempting to show you how much you meant to me. How much you mean to me. And all that I really have now is this bareness and it will never be filled.

All I wanted was you. And everything that you could offer me. Everything within you, all your emotions and desires. All your dreams and fears. I wanted to know what you were thinking, what was within that icy shell of your body. I wanted everything about you. From your body, to your soul, to your heart.

I wanted to feel you inside me. To feel you make love to me. To taste you and feel you fill my stomach. To worship the very air you breathed. To touch your body and show you how much you mean to me.

I wanted to know and own everything that was you. I wanted to see into the depths of your spirit and bath in your raw emotions. The tidal wave of chaotically emotions. The Squall you keep hidden from everyone.

I needed to show you what you mean to me. Because the air is thick and heavy, and I choke on it when you are not around. I can barely find it in myself to dream without you in my arms.

Fill me. Inside me. Around me. Through me. Own me.

All I ever wanted was you. And I'd do anything to make you realize how much I truly desire, need, want, love you. I love you.

There is nothing inside me anymore. Stretching into the very depth of my soul, I have nothing. I am nothing. Because I poured everything I was into you. 

You were the sunrise and sunset. You were the stars and the moon filling the barren night sky. You were the endless blue of the day, and the golden light of my life.

My mornings only came so that I could see your face. And the night only existed so that I could dream about you. I only breathed when you were near, and I could only see when you were in sight.

You were my everything. Are the everything of these last moments I've allowed myself. 

I've given everything to you. To prove my love. To prove my desire and hunger. To prove how much I can never _be_ without you.

In the end, all I have left is my life. All other parts of my existence has been given to you. And it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for you. And, even after this last gift, I know I'll never be enough.

I know I am unworthy of your touch. And I've realized you are too much for me. I'm blinded by you. Humbled and undeserving. But I am nothing without you.

I know now I never had a chance. Because you are too beautiful, too powerful, too amazing for me to ever deserve your eyes to look at me. And I know I should never be allowed to see the stormy lust of your gaze.

All I ever wanted was you. From the first moment I saw you, I felt I knew you. I felt you were the part of myself that I had never realized I was missing. But I know you complete me. You make me whole. Though before you I hadn't realize I was a shard. The sharp edges of me were natural. Now they just seem ugly.

You complete me. You are my breath, my sunlight, my night-sky, and the tears I cry. 

And all I ever wanted was to have you. Make love to you. Taste, kiss, touch, know every part of you. Be in the depths that is you. I wanted to fill you: inside, around, and through. I wanted to own you. As you own me.

Except it'll never be. Everything I am, was. It wasn't good enough. So I give you the last and only thing I have left to give.

My life.

I know it isn't much of a gift. But I've given everything else to you already. And this last part of me isn't worth the air my body breaths if you, my love, aren't a part of me.

You see, I'd never realized how empty I was, until I met you. And I never realized how void and barren my life was, until I desired you. And I never noticed how much I wanted you, until it was too late.

And it is too late. I can never have your love, but I will always love you. And I can never own you, but you will always own everything about me. I'll never know what it is like to have you as my own, but... I know you are happy and in love.

I am not the one that makes you smile, but its alright. I can't make love to you, or taste you, or have you. And I'll never know every part of you, or the depths of you. And I'll never be able to kiss the sweet of your lips.

Yet its alright. I love you. And I've told you so.

I just wasn't good enough to ever have the chance. I don't hate you, my love. I don't blame you, either. As unworthy as I am, I shouldn't be allowed to touch you in such a way. 

Yet there is nothing left in me without you. I want to tell you just one last time how much I love you. I want to show you exactly what you mean to me. I need to tell you once more, I love you. 

I'll prove it to you. I'll give you everything that I have. Ending with my life...


End file.
